on why i cannot do internal medicine

Medicine has kept me very busy lately- I thought the lack of sleep was reserved for surgery...

I've experienced a fair amount of loss here. I feel like I always get assigned the patients who are dying. Maybe the residents sensed some kind of extra compassion in me that they hoped I would impart- I'd like to think so anyway. Some of my patients have died before, but not in front of me. They usually go home first. Yesterday, I went in to see my patient and he was clearly nearing the end of his life. I said hello to the family and asked them if they needed anything, and then went about my day. About 4 hours later, I found out that he had died. I was definitely bummed for the rest of the day. I saw him every single day (excluding some weekends) for nearly a month. We were friends. I'm at least comforted by the fact that I know he liked seeing me every morning and he helped me learn.

I don't want to lose emotion as a doctor. I think it's an asset. But if I continue to feel like I'm losing a friend, I won't be able to function as a good doctor anymore. Emergency medicine sounds better and better every day- patients die, and it'll be sad. But relationships aren't made in a single visit. Right? I guess I'll find out...

{Rest in peace, my friend}